Len Kagamine's Guide to Women
by Meridian Diamond
Summary: Looking a little less than appealing? Feeling a little insecure about your chest? Then this book is just for you! Featuring the charming L. Kagamine, this is his bestseller in the franchise! He will tell you tips on what you need to grow a bigger chest. Yes, he's writing a book about female organs and YES, he's a boy. Perverted!Len. This story doesn't serve to offend anyone.


**LEN KAGAMINE'S GUIDE TO ∞_ WOMEN**

**By: L. Kagamine**

_Hello, readers. You might be wondering why a lone — for lack of better word — fifteen-year-old boy like me is writing a book about growing female organs. At times, I myself wonder about that too._

_My point is, I know its secret to success._

_As you know, and as I'm not that regretful to admit, I'm a growing hormonal teenager. I've seen and touched and went to more things and places than any normal boy my age has and has ever dreamed of, and I am gifted with more attractive and stimulating charms and or looks than many. Say, blue eyes and blond hair always get paired. That rhymed, right? I'm even poetic, and I SO know it._

_Ahem, that was a bit . . . unnecessary. I'm not here to talk about my wonderful self, unfortunately — because I can write a book about it too, if you'd like — because this book is, well, about tits — I mean, breasts._

_Since 1983, the population of flat-chested girls and or women has increased by over seven times as before. I have done my own research on this, and I deduce that flat-chest genes are no longer recessive but DOMINANT. How they became dominant genes, the hell should I know. As of now, we see flatties there, flatties here, flatties EVERYWHERE. These flat-chest cells are actually dominating the entire world. In fact, even MEN have bigger boobs now._

_The reason I'm writing this is because the world needs more chicks with bigger busts — excuse me, _galvanising stimulants_. Yes, of course. You know who to call if you wanna have a good time. I can easily put my number here, but, I don't think the company will allow it. (My e-mail's free though.) Banana & oRangez rulex at google dot com (Winks.)_

_I share my account with my sister, so if anyone horny replies, don't hesitate but to state you're lesbian; she'll immediately shut off the computer. (She's homophobic.) Or if you're gay and you like me, just man up and try to cyber-seduce her instead. She accepts bastards with blue eyes. I'll warn you though: I WON'T LET YOU TOUCH HER._

_Um, that was random. Anyway, as I was writing, the first thing that catches a boy's eye — or in some jerks' case, what they're only looking for — in a woman is their chest. Girls have that weird intuition that tells them if a guy's looking at their chest, so _you _would know. And I learned that the hard way. In my defence for my own sexuality and my own precious balls, we can't help it. It's part of our being. We men are all sexually-inclined creatures._

_What was I saying again? Oh right._

_In most cases, you turn someone off. (Don't blame us, we easily get turned on, we easily get turned off. That's nature for you.) However, if you've got a hot ass — rear-end, you still have a chance at nailing us, and if you play whore, it's all gonna go uphill from there. And that guy might even knock you up, so protection is always advised._

_Another turn-off is amazingly huge boo — breasts. Glad to know that, aren't you? Sometimes, too big is just too much. Bigger isn't always better either. A C cup's the cool-ish size._

_D'you know Katy Perry? Goddamn it, those are a hot pair of melons, I tell you._

_. . . Never mind the above. This is about making your breasts grow bigger, right? Here's what I found in the Internet:_

If you look at the anatomy of breast, you will realise that it is made of basically nothing but glandular tissue and fat and these types of tissues cannot be influenced by physical activity.

_Did you get that? Because I sure as hell didn't. It's so complex to comprehend, seeing as I'm without any female organs, much less a chest with breasts. I'll tell you what I can derive from that, though._

_In my opinion, judging a girl by their breasts is horrible. I know this ONE GIRL who's got boobs bigger than anyone I'd ever known, but the thing was, she's _awful _at se — sedimentary rocks. For God's sake you know what I mean. _

_There is actually beauty in people who lack a big chest, though we can't really see it at first. We hardly appreciate their humanity anymore even though we must._

_The only way for you to make your breasts grow is to just think they're already big enough. It won't be that big a problem if you don't worry about it too much. You know what, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. (Figuratively, obviously.) Because to me, every women deserves respect. The people who read this are actually insecure people themselves, so I'll add this: You are what you think you are. If you aren't, then be who you enjoy to be. You are your own person. If no one can accept who you are, then that's their problem, and their loss._

_You've got a lot of other features in you that you should be proud of! The guys who are definitely worth it will see through your flat chest and find the beautiful girl you truly are inside._

_So in short, ladies, the way to grow boobs is to not grow boobs at all. Get my point? Good. That's what you get after reading this. Thank you for taking your time!_

_Copyright notice_

_© 2013_

_This book is illegal in 19 countries_

Dedications

_I'd like to thank my eternally flat sister, Rin, for reminding me there's beauty in the inside._

_And the hospital for taking care of me from the bruises I'd sustained in writing this._

**ME: **_**Was I shallow for writing this? I'm a flatty myself. Anyway, dedicated to everyone like me! You might be wondering what **_∞_ _**meant. It's **_∞ _**for eternal, and _ for flat. Eternal-flat!**_

_**/shot**_


End file.
